To Ask or Not to Ask? That Is the Question

With apologies to Shakespeare

What is this question that I am wondering about asking? Here it is: When we need or want help from someone, should we ask for it or wait until it’s offered? Although there are reasons for either ask and wait, I lean more towards ask, though, of course, the ‘right’ answer depends on both the situation and the need.

As usual, I begin with my own experience. When I gave up driving last summer, because of my decrease in both physical and mental agility, I shared my decision with others. I wrongly assumed that friends would be forthcoming in offers to drive me to shared destinations. My initial reaction was to be hurt, offended that they knowingly ignored my ‘need.’

Upon reflection, I considered that they, having busy lives themselves, did not immediately recognize that they could easily help me by offering a ride when they knew of an event that we were both attending. One of my assumptions was that these friends ‘liked’ me and would want to help me, because, of course, if that were not true, why would they want to help?

So, taking a step back, assuming they liked me, I considered the likely reasons they did not automatically offer me a ride. As soon as I reconsidered, I recognized the many reasons they did not. They, like me, were aging and each had other friends who were ailing or dying and who were also drawing on their time and attention. Chances were high that they, like me, had to fit a variety of activities into their weeks, including grocery shopping, meal planning, exercise routines, care for others, scheduled time with friends, and more.

It seems like such a small thing, asking someone for a ride to attend an event that we would both be attending, anyway. For whatever reason (pride, shame, embarrassment?), it was very difficult for me to ask. Until I began to do it, that is. The first time I asked, actually emailed a request for a ride to our Sunday morning Quaker Meeting, I quickly received a “Yes.” I’ve made a list of people in my neighborhood and those who must pass nearby and alternate asking them for a ride. Occasionally, someone isn’t available and sometimes, someone who attends only occasionally calls to offer a ride. The bottom line is that I always have a ride and it appears to be offered graciously, not under duress. I’ve become comfortable asking for this favor, despite the fact that, initially, my expectation was that it should have been offered automatically.

I’ve been reminded that it’s really easy to overestimate the time that others have available and to underestimate the demands on others’ lives. I am a firm believer in the innate goodness of people, although it can be well-hidden in a few. Let me share another personal story of asking and receiving that worked out well, both for me and the other person.

For about five years, I’ve attended a once-a-month class in Marblehead, about eight miles away, with Salem between us. Last month, my husband dropped me off at the location in Marblehead, knowing I could take an Uber home after class. When I arrived, I asked Nancy, our amazing instructor, if anyone lived in Salem. She pointed our Mary Ellen, who I knew from previous classes, though not well. I asked Mary Ellen if she would take me back to her house after class. From there, I could get home with Salem Skipper (a ride share service) for only a dollar. She agreed, than generously offered to take me home.

For the next class, my husband drove me to Mary Ellen’s house and she graciously drove me to and from the dance class again. I had made plans to see a movie (Wicked) in Salem. Another friend, who doesn’t care much for movies, had offered to meet me at the theater after the movie, then have dinner together before taking me home. So I asked Mary Ellen to drop me off at the theater. She asked which movie I was seeing. When I answered, Wicked, she asked if she could join me! So now, I not only had a ride to the theater, I had company!

So the bottom line (again) is that, in general, it is better to ask for help than to to put the burden on others to recognize your need. Let’s make it easy for people to be good, as I believe they’d like, rather than putting the burden on them to intuit or guess our needs.

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