Five Languages

Many of us are familiar with The Five Love Languages, authored by Gary Chapman, briefly: words, time, touch, service, and gifts. Theoretically, each of us has a primary and a secondary love language, that is, the method through which we demonstrate love and caring for another. A potential problem exists when a person important to us uses another or others to convey similar caring. The language styles are essentially equivalent in value; what becomes important is mutual appreciation, acknowledgement, and awareness.

I am immediately reminded of Paul, my husband’s, request of me before we were married, thirty-four years ago. Initially, it baffled me. Upon reflection, it demonstrated Paul’s awareness of critical differences between modes of expression and their importance.

Before we were married, he asked if I would be willing to see a therapist with him. I was shocked! I was not aware of any problems between us that needed resolution, never mind by involving a stranger. When I asked why he wanted us to see a therapist, Paul said that he recognized that we had such different ways of expressing ourselves and that he loved me so much, he was concerned that we might become conflicted about something in the future and not be able to resolve it. He recognized that a therapist might be useful in helping us recognize each other’s communication style and avoid miscommunication during a disagreement.

He was right. (He loves it when I admit that!) We saw a therapist weekly for two or three months, who helped us devise strategies for future use, inviting us to contact him in the future when needed. The short story is that, during conflict, I am very careful to speak rationally, rather than emotionally. Paul’s natural style is emotional and, when angry, he doesn’t respond well to rational arguments. They seem false to him, when delivered without emotion. These observations of us would not be obvious to a casual observer.

This may not appear related to Chapman’s five love languages, but I think it is. Upon reflection, Paul’s use of the five is crystal clear, while my own fall short. Paul demonstrates his love consistently through personal acts of service, such as frequently delivering cappuccino to me and recently, going outside early to defrost my iced car, before I needed to use it. We both use words frequently, asserting our love, combined with loving touch.

I have one more story about gifts, again demonstrating Paul’s superiority. When we were first together, giving gifts was perhaps my strongest love language. For Paul, it was not. Before our first Christmas together, we talked about this. I assured him that I would do my best to accept that he would not be buying me any gifts, that I would try not to be disappointed. On Christmas morning, I don’t remember whether or not I bought him anything, but I will never forget his gift to me. He handed me an envelope, containing a gift certificate for a full body massage, once a month, for the next year!

Over the years, the importance of giving gifts has dramatically decreased for me and I no longer need to receive a gift to feel loved. Clearly, use of the five love languages can change over time, perhaps also reflecting a change in our values.

For me, it is clear that my primary love language for the world is acts of service, demonstrated by frequent actions in peace rallies, meetings with elected officials, and local actions helping individuals in need. This has been officially recognized with a request by our mayor to join Beverly’s Human Rights Committee, to which I gladly responded, “Yes!”